"Like vines we intertwined" - The Hush Sound

So my sister's earrings, each a white discus with the word peace upon them, broke. She asked me to fix them and I probably can. I am very good at fixing things.

A simple story, no doubt, and even a little boring as a write it. But what is so great about this story is that in context it is subtly amazing.

The backstory that makes this little record of unfortunate body decor hysterical is that this week in my house the peace broke.

There is a line of tension threaded through the beams and supports of my house that began winding its way there in 2000. It crept, like ivy vine, into every crevice to the dismay of my family but all we did was watch it grow. When its growth reached its maximum potential, it began pulling itself. The tension of this chord is so tight, wound like a guitar string, so that all you have to do is lightly pluck it to hear the beautiful resounding symphony of very angry people screaming very hurtful things at each other at record volume.

It is not my problem. But it is my family's problem and I hate having to watch them duke it out. I have tried so hard to guide the growth of the vine so that my family can live happily and peacefully but that stubborn thing is so phototropic that I can't get it to grow nicely. It is always seeking the sun and growing where ever it needs to in order to get it.

So I can fix my sister's peace earrings, no problem. But there are such deeper and more significant "fix-its" that I simply don't have the tools for. It makes me so angry that I almost became the one shouting hurtful things. I watched the whole situation escalate for ten years and that is just about the limit of my patience.

This is me. I have become Poison Ivy. Angry and resentful and now more likely to break things than fix them.

Well at least my sister can have her stupid earrings.

Fairytales

My life is kind of funny because I'm the kind of person who is able to embrace reality, mainly because I don't have a grip on it. I can't remember the time before I'd seen disney fantasies like The Little Mermaid or Beauty and the Beast. My life has always existed on some level in my head as The Little Dana or Dana and the Imagination.

This picture was taken a year and half ago at a shop in the Salt Lake City airport terminal. I love it. Most especially, because I never stopped. I just went straight from being young enough to being old enough and my life has been, consequently, enchanted. Sometimes I wonder though, if my grip on reality is thorough enough.

Today I spent a good amount of time in that fairy tale land, trying to craft a story about mermaids. I spent some time doing grueling research (I watched The Little Mermaid...again...I wish I knew how many times I've seen it. It must be nearing the hundreds!). I had an enjoyable day on planet earth, but I really enjoyed the time I spent in the la la land in my head. 

Right now, I'd give anything to jump back into my head and be on the beach, climbing on the moist jetties with salt water spraying icy chill into my noise, craning and looking for that mermaid who would appear among the waves and beckon me to join her. Unless of course, underneath the water her friends are fighting the way mine are right now.

This weekend, one of my friends who has consistently let me down, let me down again. Except the worst thing is, she didn't let me down. She did something stupid that hurt herself and since I love her so much, that hurt me. But basically, this girl is hazard to herself and I don't know what kind of ways I need to slap her to help her get a grip on reality.

I can't get a grip on reality myself. How am I supposed to give it to her?

Except my lack of grip isn't dangerous. My lack of grip allows me to sit in a blank room for an hour and see great adventures taking place behind my eyes. Her lack of grip lets her live thinking that she can avoid consequences of her actions.

She had great dreams. We had great dreams for her. I don't know if they are still even worth contemplating.

Worst of all, I can't give up on her.

The reality is, she is probably going to have to work through some very difficult flaws for the rest of her life. Yet, I can't get a grip on that. I will always see a beautiful path she could be taking and try to steer her toward it.

There is some song on the radio these days "Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now". I think I could really use a fairy tale right now. One wish, especially one manipulated into existence, just isn't going to cut it.

A Slippery Situation

While gardening with my dad this weekend, he found a toad.

We both got very excited. My dad picked him up and handed him to me and I held him so I could observe him. Although toads are not known for their beauty, there was something about his glossy eyes and the way his nostrils flared at me that made me just want to keep him forever. Unfortunately, it was clear from his squirming legs that he wasn't interested in such a relationship with me, and I put him down. He didn't hop away right away, but by the time I was done staking the tomatoes, he had made his way down the old dusty highway, never to return again.

I was absolutely delighted by the whole experience. When I was little I used to read The Adventures of Frog and Toad, but I'd never seen either in person. This year I adopted a pet frog that my friend could no longer keep, and after this weekend, I had a face-to-face with a toad, thus completing my amphibious experience.

As much as I wanted to hold onto the toad, I knew that he didn't belong with me, much the way my frog doesn't belong in the tank in my bedroom. Goodness knows where he came from, but given that I think he is an African clawed frog, he belongs somewhere in sub-Saharan Africa. His life in my room is probably dull at best and such a life would be torture for me.

So I wonder about the source of my desire to keep the toad, knowing very well that he'd only get bored and lonely with me. I'm always collecting stuff which I think is a fairly human trait. There were times when people gathered what they needed, but the trick of the system is that they can only gather what they need. If people gather all of the flowers needed for a certain medicine, they could be sure that they have all they can take, but then they wipe out the possibility of more ever growing. And then they could also take more than they need, rendering themselves overwhelmed by a menacing stack of flowers. And that's me. My favorite part of Mary Poppins is her bag because I'd love to be able to take anything and everything with me all the time.

What am I afraid of losing?

So the toad hopped away and now I'm toadless. I debated for a long time on whether it was worth shucking off my dirty gardening gear so I could fetch a camera from inside to at least keep a memory of him and ultimately I decided to get over it. When I saw the toad had gone, I was so sad. I missed him like an old friend and what I lack in ownership of a toad, I more than make up for in nostalgia for the absolute delight of looking into his eyes.

There is a quote from the movie, Troy, that haunts me.

"I'll tell you a secret, something they don't teach you in your temple. The gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now, and we will never be here again."

When I first saw it, when I was fourteen, I completely didn't get it. My reaction was that human moments are not more beautiful because they are doomed, but instead they are tragic because they are fleeting. For me, the most beautiful things are the ones worth keeping and if you can't keep them, is there a point?

I know my attitude often times prevents me from enjoying that which I can't preserve. I keep trying to learn from the wisdom of Achilles (or David Benioff, the screenwriter..)

I let the toad go. I didn't even give him a name. He isn't mine to name, but now, actually, I think I should name him, so that he'll be preserved in my memory.

This post is dedicated to you, the mysterious traveling Achilles the Toad and to my delightful yet anatopistic pet Delta the Frog.

❀Dana

A New Beginning

The beginning of my new blog and a forum for my curations.

Today's picture of the day was taken in May at the University of Hartford. The stones in Hog River are usually arranged by frats to advertise their letters, but on this marvelous day, someone arranged them to give us all a message of inspiration.

So what is the purpose of this picture? It's to make a great start for my blog and to continue the optimistic beats in my life.

YES!

❀Dana